Everything that I am

STIRRING WITH CONFUSION...

2006-01-17T20:02:00.000-08:00

Confusion raging...

Anger racing...

Feeling the darkest depths of my own heart betraying and rejecting the safety of the grip of
reality...

Spiraling downward in and out of the existance of what was my life...

Crashing upward throwing my mind back to a prevalent bottomless plunge into extinction...

Supression of desire is causing my very exsistance to pulse...

The unexplicable clearity of his face is frightening...

Between his screams sharp enough to pierce my pride and his embrace that once touched my soul...

Where do I exist...

My words cry out from every part of my being...

I am nothing more than I can be...

My darkness has cascaded across my eyes...

I want to surrender to the pain...

Buckle under the burden...

Relinquish my fear...

this is what people should be mad at

2006-01-03T10:35:00.000-08:00

i am so confused...people in this world are so ready to hate something that we have ended up hating everything.....we need to stop hating things and start caring about what needs to be taken care of.....there are people starving in every town in america......even some of the backwards towns......there are families that have to chose food over bills.....my family stuggles to take care of things and still have a little fun...i mean really.....that isn't what life is.....if every country gives up 2-3% of there money toward one account to help find food for people..... no one would starve......no one.....no one would ever have to go hungry again....and if you know how it is to go hungry because you give up your food so your kids can eat you know how bad it hurts.......and when some one can go out and by a fucking 200 dollar fucking tooth brush they have issues....and i am not hiding behind a computer saying this....i will say what ever i want to who ever i want.....with 200 dollars.....you can buy 200 tooth brushes and donate them to homeless people and with that you can buy 100 tooth brushes and 100 mini tubes of tooth paste and donate them to a chartie for homeless kids.....i mean.....come on.....does someone need a 200 dollar tooth brush....why do peole have to be so stupid and selfish there are people who are hungry....why can't we fix a problem that is so simple....but no we have to try to find a way to make meat without using a living animal.......(and yes they can do that.) there are people out there like me who can't get medical anttention because they can't afford it......our bills are 1000 a month my hubby brings home 1400 a month and his insurance for himself is free but if he adds me and his daughter it will cost us 640 month.....and we can't afford that.....so instead of the government making it easier for people to provide their families with healthcare.....they do an experiment to prove that human breast milk is better for growing children then that of cows milk....well guess what not everyone on earth not stupid.....we could all figure that out....it pains me to think that we as common people.....needed some scientist to figure that out for us....the people who were assigned that project should have said NO MOTHER FUCKER I AM NOT THAT STUPID...GET A FUCKING HOBBIE....but no........people in this world are worried about happy holidays....why can't you peole be happy......go get laid or something go to the gym and work off some of you negative energy.....i mean damn...you peole make it impossilble for someone to be nice.....can anyone do anything to satisfy you damn people....let me break it down for you......happy holidays means: happy: Enjoying, showing, or marked by pleasure, satisfaction, or joy.....holiday:A day free from work that one may spend at leisure, especially a day on which custom or the law dictates a halting of general business activity to commemorate or celebrate a particular event........put the two words together and you get this.....happy holiday: Enjoying, showing, or marked by pleasure, satisfaction, or joy, A day free from work that one may spend at leisure, especially a day on which custom or the law dictates a halting of general business activity to commemorate or celebrate a particular event........make it plural by adding a "s" and that means more that one......just because you don't belive in something doesn't mean that someone else shouldn't......there are many more people in the world than you and you need to respect that......happy holidays means have a happy holiday what ever you believe in and have lots of fun and be happy and love your family and friends.....stop the stupid things that you peole do.....stop taking the fun out of everything....life isn't about making as many people as you can miserable.....and you call your selves christians.....that is the biggest pot of bull shit i have ever seen......GOD says love everyone......GOD says respect others.....GOD says just becuase someone is different doesn't mean that don't need to be loved......GOD says LOVE EVERYONE!!!!!!!! that means everyone and if you can call you self perfect....oops you just fell down off you pretty little pedestal......i mean why in the hell do you need to buy a fucking 300 dollar TOASTER....YES I SAID TOASTER....YOU CAN GET THEM AT THE DAMN DOLLAR STORE FOR 15.00 DOLLARS.....WHAT THE HELL.....guess what....i will let you in on a little secret.....my toaster costed 15.00 i have had it for 4 years.....and guess what it does....BROWNS BREAD.....guess what a 319 dollars toaster does.....BROWNS BREAD.....the only way i would ever buy a 319 dollar toaster is if the mother fucker was sold with the cure for aids.....my god some people are stupid....do you know what you could buy with 319.00....15.00 toaster...and feed 40 people with it....buy some eggs and bacon and some saugage and you got you self a bunch of people eating breakfast with you.....and don't you dare look at me like dollar store is beneath you.....i remember when i could buy kswiss shoes at the dollar store....i remember when lucky strikes where bigger than marlboro......do you know that there is a baby....that is around 2 months old.....cring right now....screaming in pain.......with those little beads of tears.......do you know why that poor lil baby is crying.....BECAUSE IT IS HUNGRY.......speaking of being hundry.....i want to know why it is cheaper to eat at mcdonald's.....it is cheaper than going to walmart and buying healthy food.....the medical people in this world are bitching about people not being healthy and not eating the right foods.....it is because the government....it likes to have us under thumb......they like to add things to food that makes us sick and hide cures from us.....they think that as long as we are overweight that means they get to bring in money from diet pills and gyms and stuff......well that is a crock of crap........the government fears the smart people in the world because they know that we are not going to fall for all of the stupid shit they put in our heads.......they tell us that there is no cure for aids well that is bull shit.......they want us to fear aids so we don't become over populated.......i could almost guarantee that the government knows more about cures then they will ever tell us..........and that makes me sick......there is a higher government then the president and everyone with a brain knows that........and they are the ones that don't allow low income families to eat right because they don't want poverty to exsist well guess what government it does and we have just as much right to choose what we eat as the people who can spend 319 dollars on a damn toaster..............if everyone in the world made that much money then there would be no money and guess what if i made that much money i would not be in the assembly line at the toaster making facility........and someone has to do the work for the wealthy and guess what it is the poverty peolple who do.....i would love to see bill gates shovel shit at his local horse tarven.....i would pay to see that.......and good money for front row..........but no there is someone shoveling shit for min wage and bill gates gets to ride a horse........i mean get a grib on reality if there was no one growing food in a corn feild or garden then we wouldn't have any food......farm work is hard.....and being in a farming family is rough......expecially now a days where one family is only able to have 2 kids becuase we can't afford to take care to 12-15 kids anymore......it is kinda like this....... on the food thing......if a head of lettuce is 2 dollars....then some people who don't really make that much would only eat a salad every 2 days......but if a head of lettuce was 50 cents then someone who didn' make that much would be able to make a salad for themselves everyday which in turn makes for a healthier person.....it isn't fair......and i know that life isn't fair i have been there......i have went days without eating because of no money to buy food because we had to pay bills......sometimes when i was little we had to choose to either be warm or have food.......i don't see the president doing that..........i don't see the richest person in the world doing without......why don't you stupid people get off your asses and do some real work and maybe you would understand how hard it is for the rest of us who don't have 319 to buy a fucking toaster......don't you people understand that 319 could help around 5 families buy food.....or 1 family to pay the outragous gas bills.....and it would help 25 families get back and forth to work for a week.......i mean are you really that selfish.......i want to know why there are people who buy 319 dollar toasters.......that is insane.......if you are ever standing at a target store or somewhere......looking at the toasters wondering.......which one should i buy and you choose the 319 toaster you should be shot....right there.....IT IS A TOASTER IT BROWNS BREAD.......THAT IS WHAT A TOASTER DOES......FOR CRYING OUT LOUD..........

guilty

2005-12-12T21:58:00.000-08:00

i don't understand that how some people can see and never see who you are...in a perfect stranger you don't open you mind enough to see that one special character in a person....we are all different in many ways sometimes in so many ways you can't count them and in others you can bearly find one....i love my life and my family so don't get me wrong but sometimes i think about how it would be if something different had happened would i even be where i am now....because if no matter what i did i would end up here....then that would mean that there is a such thing as destiny and i am not sure there is....had my dad really loved me and took care of me and i stayed with him...would i be different...that is what i wonder so often...what could i have done that would change my entire life and the meaning of life for me...i don't know....maybe we are never to find out what really is in store for us...i don't want to live my life like this....maybe this is the lack of sleep talking but i really don't understand why whatever i do nothing ever works out the way i want it to...i want people to see me for who i am...think about how what you do may effect other people...i wonder if people are tested on earth by some strange being and i am not talking about god...i mean i believe and all that stuff and i don't believe in anything else...but the bible has been written over and over so many times and everyone knows how the chinese telephone works....i just know that there is a superior being and someone who knows what the plan is....but how can i do anything if i first don't find out what i am even here for....i have 2 kids and one it 2 and the other 4 and the 4 year's dad hardly cares about her.....and she knows....she knows....and she looks at me for answers and i can't give them to her.....she gets so mad and we are so much alike that we can't get along...and that scares me....i want to make it all go away and kiss it and make it better....but it tares me up inside to know what she thinks....she thinks that i am supposed to take her to him even though i know he doesn't want her on his weekend...just like my dad didn't want me....now my legal adopted dad....he doesn't give a damn about me.... nor anything about who i am.... sometimes i feel so cold inside....and i am tore up because i can't fix it....sometimes i feel like no one needs me....and no one wants to be around me.....people talk about me....they say why don't i ever call...but the last thing i knew was that the phone line went both ways..... why can't you ever call me....i don't know if i will ever be whole....it isn't possible because my dad is dead...and my legal adopted father doesn't even make an effort...and i know that miracle is going to grow up feeling like this and it is my fault...and i can't understand why i was so stupid.....it always runs through my head... i should have done this....i should have left him....why did i stay....why didn't i listen to the people who loved me.....they were telling me the truth and i threw them away for him and now he is going to hurt me forever....and he doesn't deserve anything...he doesn't deserve the dirt on his shoes or shoes for that matter.....i hate him.....he is hurting and there is absolutly nothing that i can do about it...i can't stop him....he makes her cry and i can't do anything about it...nothing......i am ashamed of what i have done.....i have brought this beautiful little one into a world of pain and i did it....i don't know....i don't know how to fix it....she gets so angry when he doesn't come....and all i can do is hold her...i can't do anything about it.....she cries and with ever tear i die.....she hasn't done anything to deserve this....everyone she meets they fall instantly in love with her and they tell me how pretty and good both of my babies are but with that said how can one person come in and just wreck her life.....i want it to stop i can't do this...he is destoring my little girls life.....and i can't do anything about it... i feel so guilty....

sugar coats

2005-12-04T23:24:00.000-08:00

why do people insist on saying that i am rude......i am not rude i just say what is on my mind......everyone is always saying tell the truth......don't hide your feelings because feelings are apart of who you are and you shouldn't hide who you are and if you truely want to be a friend then you have to be true to who you are.....i mean come on.....most people in this world would much rather hear what they want to hear rather than some else's opinion.......like oh my god it is the worst thing in the world to hear someone else's view on any subject........but i beg to differ.....i stand by what i say and just because it is my opinion doesn't mean that i am wrong and if i think something you better put a good few hours aside to try to convince me to change it.....people get mad at me when they ask me my opinion and i don't say what they want to hear......and i have had people call me rude......i am not rude.....i don't sugar coat what i have to say......if you go through life acting like a marshmallow then you are going to get treated like a marshmallow.........i am not the kind of person to sit back and let people run over me and not say a damn thing about it.......that's is a good way to get hurt and i am not about to cator to anyone's feelings.........if someone asks me what i think then they have better be prepared to hear it....cuz i am going to bring it.......i can't stand the stupid people in the world thinking that they are the only ones in this world with an opinion.....cuz opinions are like assholes......everyone gots one.......and so do i.......and i tend to voice mine a little more often than i should but.....what i have to say usually is a strong feeling as to what i feel and i mean to be heard becuase i have to live to and if i am not respected then i don't want to be around you.......i can't handle and conversation then i don't want to talk to you........i have my opinions and if you don't like them then that is ok.....but i heard yours so you can hear mine wheather you like them or not that is ok.....but some out there agrees....so that means you don't have too......but don't try to change me cuz i am who i am and no one can change me.......

it's me

2005-12-01T09:51:00.000-08:00

drive's me crazy

2005-11-22T09:48:00.000-08:00

GOD I HATE MY FAMILY THEY DRIVE ME CRAY......6 MONTHS AGO MY DAD SAID HE WAS COMING THEN TWO WEEKS AGO HE SAID HE WAS COMING.......THEN YESTURDAY THEY SAID THEY WEREN'T THEN THAT NIGHT THEY SAID THEY WERE COMING.........THEN THIS MORNING I GET ANOTHER FUCKING CALL AND THEY SAID THE WEREN'T..............SO GOD DAMN IT YOU FUCKING ASS HOLE MAKE UP YOUR MIND......OH AND THEN I FIND OUT THAT MY SISTER IS MAKING UP RUMORS TELLING EVERYONE IN MY FAMILY THAT MY HUSBAND AND I WERE HAVING RELATIONSHIP ISSUES....WHICH WE ARE HAPPY AND VERY MUCH STILL IN LOVE AND MY SISTER DECIDES SHE WAS GOING TO TELL EVERYONE THAT WE WERE LEGALLY SEPERATED......AND THAT DURING THAT TIME I WAS MEETING ALL KINDS OF GUYS ONE BEING DENNIS THE GUY THAT I AM LIVING WITH ( WHICH HE IS LIKE OLD ENOUGH TO BE MY DAD!!! AND I AM NOT IN TO THAT....)AND SHE MAKES IT SOUND THAT I AM LIVING WITH MY HUSBAND AND MY MISTER AND THAT IS SO FUCKING FAR FROM THE TRUTH THAT IT IS IN AN ENTIRLY DIFFERENT PART OF THE WORLD AND MY GOD MY DAD THINKS THAT CYNDI DOESN'T DO A DAMN THING WRONG...THAT SHE IS SO PERFECT AND BETTER THAN GOD HE FUCKING BELIEVES IT...............................

what the crap is this damn you people need to deal

2005-11-14T20:28:00.000-08:00

(22:15:55) silvercrescent_hawk: I am really disgusted by reading some of these comments. Wal mart has not cut out christmas. Last i knew they had an entire section dedicated to christmas trees, santas, tree toppers(wow and some of the tree toppers are angels) I mean come on refusing to shop at walmart just because they are telling you happy holidays and not merry christmas is jus ridicoulous. You could find a lot better reasons not to shop at walmart than that i would think. I mean did occur to you people that maybe jus maybe not every one who works at walmart is a christian. They might be jewish or muslim or they might celebrate quanza and is it going to kill you to hear from them happy holidays. What if instead the person who was at the register said happy haunaka. I could just imagine how much more horrified people
(22:16:21) silvercrescent_hawk: might be and feel discriminated against. Do you not get a warm feeling inside when someone tells you happy holidays. Do you not when you here happy holidays think of your holiday that you celebrate and think of hot coco and decorating the christmas tree and family gathering and good food. I mean happy holidays is nice warm greeting extended as a thought of caring about others to spread happiness. its not anit chritsmas no where in it is it anti chritsmas. I am a christian i believe in jesus and am in no means offeded when someone is nice enough to spread some nice warm holiday cheer. So what walmart says happy holidays so everyone can be included and everyone can feel some warm holiday cheer. Isnt christ about spreading love and compassion. At least that is what i thought. I want peo
(22:16:43) silvercrescent_hawk: I want people to really sit down and think about their complaing. How many candelabras or dredals do you see for sale at walmart. Do you see anything ofr quanza???? barely if any. What you see is chritsmas trees xmas wrapping paper, stocking, santas, snowmen, xmas tree ornaments. navity sets, at the entrance to the xmas entrance there is a dancing singing five foot tall dancing santa. They have on display a giant inflatable"snow globe" that says merry xmas. So i think christams is far from being persecuted and cut out. So as an ending note. Christmas is about celebrating Christ and how wonderful he is. but isnt it also about goodwill towards others, spreading happiness and cheer. Would it kill us to hear happy holidays even though it makes everyone happy and feel included. Its ab
(22:16:57) silvercrescent_hawk: Its about togetherness. SO i jus say some of you need to get over yourselves. I mean think about how much it might mean to som jewish 5 yr old kid to hear happy holidays and not only merry xmas. Can you imagine maybe the smile the kid would get on his or her face being greeted in such a warm way in the celebration of the holidays the celbration of togetherness. Jus imagine his or her smile. What a great gift it is to see a child smile. said suffer the children. Children are our greatest gift so innocent and pure and is it so bad to make it so every child has something to smile about on the holidays.
(22:18:27) beautiful_brownies: well happy holidays means holidays not just chirstmas it is all holidays in all religions
(22:19:25) beautiful_brownies: can i put your rant on my blog
(22:19:26) beautiful_brownies: lol
(22:20:00) beautiful_brownies: people should not make crap up about everything............
(22:20:03) silvercrescent_hawk: yeah if you want
(22:20:05) silvercrescent_hawk: :P
(22:20:28) beautiful_brownies: they make everything bad toward everyone and the ones that get hurt are the kids and family

people need to take control of all of this crap..........quit trying to take control of everything........this is crap stop trying to take the fun and love out of everything..........making sponge bob gay........what is the point in looking that hard for flaws.......because oh my GOD you people are just as wrong as everyone else on this planet and no one can screw up as bad as the government has and you think just becuase you think you are better then every one else DOESN'T MEAN YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!......GET OVER YOUR SELF BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU .......... IS THE REASON OUR KIDS DON'T GET TO HAVE FUN........................

dead beat dad's

2005-11-08T09:12:00.000-08:00

you freaking people need to go away leave the kids alone if you have beef with the mom then you need to take it up with us not the baby's....they had absolutly nothing to do with anything......you don't know how much pain it causes them......my 4 year old knows when and where her daddy is supposed to pick her up.......and even i don't say anything to her she knows that she is supposed to be him.......she cried for 4 hours because her daddy didn't pick her up.........and she acts out so much pain and that causes more strain on them than it does on us........don't use them to hurt us because you are traumatizing to them because they are going to HATE you when they get older and one day they are going to let you have it they are going to rip you from head to toe and you are going to deserve every fucking bit of it ........put your self in their shoes would you like it...........having your heart torn out everytime someone didn't come see you..............grow up and start taking care you your responsibilities as a father take care of them, love them, charish them........and if you never had a dad and you werent' taken care of when you were little then damn it you have not one fucking excuse...you know how bad it hurts and don't even think that you are to mucho to feel pain ......i was beaten, molested, but you don't see me running out on my children why you ask because i want them to have a life that i didn't my mommy didn't take care of me either she didn't cuddle me either she didn't come kiss my little boo boo's either so freaking deal with your issues and get over not everything goes your fucking way............you irresponable, slim sucking, anal dwelling, egotistical, cum guzzling, bastards........

who really knows anything or everything

2005-11-03T17:38:00.000-08:00

i have people in my life that think that just because they are older than me that they know everything that there is to know about everything.......that drives me crazy.........the only thing that i know everything about is that i know that i don't know everything and i am 22 years old fixing to be 23 and i will never know everything.......and that is what brings meaning to my life......if i knew everything then i wouldn't have a reason to live...........i was wathching the show unsolved mysteries and they were talking about near death experiences......and the guy kept saying that he got kicked out of heaven......because the light asked him if he wanted to stay and be apart of the light or go on...................well he says because he returned the living that he was kicked out of heaven.........no that is not right at alll..................................he was returned to the light..............people claim that the light is so completely beautiful that they can't resist anything about it.............that is supposed to resemble the beauty of life...................the light at the end of the tunnel is the brightness that comes behind the storm...............the beauty in the sunlight beams gleaming off your child's smile.....................he didn't get kicked out of heaven he got put back into the life that he should be living.................the touch of GOD is suppose to change your make you change and live life right..................my best friend just lost her baby and i have lost one of my own and i can just scream in pain.........when i was younger i didn't care about anyone i had been through so much shit that i didn't give a flying fuck about anyone.........when i got pregnant i knew that i had to change or i would let my child go through some of the same pain as i did when i was growing up................i couldn't let that happen so i changed...............it is the same principle

me

2005-10-25T06:35:00.000-07:00

i am a very out spoken person but very few people hear me....why that is i don't know...but when they hear me they don't ever listen to my advice...but you know i am not a person to really say i told you so unless it is just playing around....never serious matters....people say that i am crude or crass because those people either don't like my opinion or they just don't respect my opinions.....if you ask for my opinions that is exactly what you get nothing else....i can't sit around figuring out how to say things to someone....i don't have the time nor the energy.....i have two kids and i don't hardly ever sleep....maybe like 2 hours a day......even before kids......even with being up for like 22 i still don't seem to get everything that i want to do done....want to know why....because anyone can figure out what to do in 5 hours....ask your self what you can do in 5 hours.....make a list.....then try to do it all in 5 hours......so i have made it easier on myself.....now this sucks for people who are a procrastinator.....instead of making a list of what to do in one day....make a list of what to do in one week......steady yourself......this is what you do......make your list without due dates.......(dates make you stress)...........only put number 1 through whatever.......keeping in mind dead lines while numbering..also keep in mind easy stuff like paying bills......then rewrite the list on another piece of paper without numbers throw the other away......this way you can go straight down the list......come friday you should have it all done......if not important tact in on to next week........what our problem is this..........we can go from paying all of our bills in 2 hours running all over town.....to being able to pay all of them in 15 mins.....so because we have an extra 1 hour and 45 mins we feel that we must fill it with something so we add more and more crap to our to do list...........yes convience is awesome......take the extra while for your self............you never know what just sitting and watching the traffic go by can mean to you.......or going to a gas station and getting a cup of coffee and sit there and bullshit with people can do for you spirit...............no one is like anyone....trust me don't try to be..........just because they are there doesn't mean that you absolutly have to be like them......copy cat....................